7 Aspects of Language Use in Coaching
July 2nd, 2010
There are certain aspects of language usage that that you should be concentrating on when engaging in a deep level of listening, “listening to understand”. These aspects are:
- Repetition: Listen for repeated words or phrases. People repeat things because they want you to hear them! They are important for some reason. Use the same phrases back to them. They will help build rapport and show them that you are listening and hearing what they are saying.
- Emphasis: Listen for emphasis. People will put a tonal or other audible emphasis on words or phrases. They do this because they want you to understand that it is important. Notice it, repeat the emphasized word or phrase, and flag it in some manner, because again you want them to know you picked up on the emphasis.
- Congruence: Often the words will say one thing, but the tone of their voice tells you something else entirely. The tone will often be supported by the body language you are seeing, and both of those are indicators of the state the person is in. If they are down, unhappy, nervous, preoccupied, frightened, bored or in some other negative state, it will be very obvious to you – ask them, what is wrong, how you can help, empathize, maybe suggest having the conversation at another time. You can also initiate a state change.
- State change: Sometimes you will notice a change of state as you talk, or you can do this deliberately. Change the conversation to another topic and if it is one that they like or relate to, they can become excited, funny, relaxed, fully engaged. Often you can change someone’s state simply by changing their environment or their posture. Suggest going out for coffee or stand up and look out the window.
- Look for internal dialogue. Internal dialogue occurs when people are thinking in the form of words, sentences or even a full debate. This is common to everyone and after a question shows they are actually running a cognitive process, deliberating on their answer, don’t interrupt at this point. Let them think, what you will get back is a considered answer.
- “Door knob statements”: Often people will hold back real issues till the very end and let the bombshell drop as you are at the door. They may have been waiting to see if they feel they can trust you or building up the courage to share the information with you. You should always listen to those last words. They may be cryptic to some extent, but you can always gently ask for an explanation.
- Exclusion: Listen for what they haven’t said! Do a congruence ecology check against the physiology, against the facts, against what you already know. What have they left, unsaid?
These seven aspects might seem obvious but they are easy to forget. When you use them all on a regular basis you are guaranteed to provide your clients with a high quality service indeed.
Natalie Ekberg is an international personal and executive coach and offers self-improving, motivational and coaching e-courses and e-books as well as face to face or telephone coaching.